Sorry for the delay, it’s not my fault. I love you all really.
Hurry up and let the doors close. I want my dinner.
Ladies and gentleman, upon departing the train, may I remind you to take your rubbish with you? Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels.

Please keep your kids with you at all times. Even the annoying ones.
Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the
town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a point’s failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.
Please let passengers off the train before boarding. It’s not the storming of the Bastille you know.

This is your driver speaking. We are aware that all the lights have gone out on the train but there is absolutely
nothing to be worried about… or is there?
Apologies for the delay, they’re actually testing new selfdriven trains. Oh wait, I don’t think I was meant to tell you
Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.
This train is early and is now being delayed so that it is late. I don’t understand this either.
I can assure the passenger in the second carriage that it is not raining in the train. Please put your umbrella down.
Stand clear of the doors. If you get trapped and hurt, your insurance company won’t pay out.

Let the passengers off the train FIRST! (Pause) Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home.
Please stay behind the yellow line. It is located near your feet, is yellow in colour and resembles… a line.”
We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.

This train has six carriages. When you all board the first one, it causes the floor to bend and the doors will not close.
We apologise for delays to your Piccadilly line service this morning. This was due to earlier late running.
If you’re leaving at the next station please mind the gap between the timetable and reality.
To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage – what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?
Mind your fingers, mind your toes, watch the doors, they’re gonna close.
Could the young couple in the second carriage please get a room!
Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed we’ve stopped. I don’t know why. They haven’t told me.
Sorry for this short delay, why don’t you take this opportunity to look up from your papers and smile at a stranger? Or even say hello!